They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.