I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.