[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
#titanic
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling