I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
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my mom making me talk to relatives
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I feel it
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*