Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails

I put the hot in psychotic.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful