Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Based Erika
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
next question.
A small tragedy.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
m’lady
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!