*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
eggs benadryl
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
my professor scared me for a second
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
cause of death:
autopsy.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.