5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
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Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.