I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Good boy 😂😂
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently