Facebook marketplace is a different world
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“and how does that make you feel?”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS