Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Body by Oreos
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I had to Stop for this
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot