Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
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I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno