I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
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How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
estão todos miauvindo?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.