Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?