The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
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If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks