My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.