Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best: