A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
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Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
me adding lol on a serious message
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef