I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
figuring out my emotional availability:
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Hotels are back
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.