Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
This meal prepping shit easy
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”