When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
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I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Best seat on the street 😍
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.