[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”