The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Mhm.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.