[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
*mops up wine with cat*
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Match dot com, but for socks.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Every damn time
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.