You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
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Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.