I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I think the cat got the dog high.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever