there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.