I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I hope they boil the right one.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.