Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
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Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Taking phone security to the next level.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Best table by far
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
SF is the wild wild west man
was Jim off killing horses or…
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
is this how new cars are made??
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.