My love language is deader than Latin
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.