When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
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“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
This forever.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Still laughing at this stupid meme
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat