I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need