me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh đ
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Homeschooling isnât going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
spot the difference
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didnât add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft đ
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*someone at next table says âBFFsâ*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
âJesus take the wheelâ I say as the car hurtles down the highway
âNot that oneâ I whisper moments too late
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat âYouâre not hungry, youâre bored. Drink some water.â
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
me: time for some laundry đ
laundry machine: ok đ
me: ok time to dry đ
dryer: iâve invented a new knot. it transcends humanityâs current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, andâ
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed âMOMMYâ đ
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.