I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.