I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.