i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening