1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
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interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Shortcut
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.