Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
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me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Heroic Misunderstanding
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.