“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.