If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
work smarter, not harder
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.