[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Breaking news:
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG