A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
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Cause of death: Zumba
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My dress code is business-casualty.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Don’t talk down to me
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
*cough*
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.