You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
“What?”
– Jude
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Goodnight 🐶