My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.