My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
crazy