CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
What do you hear?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God