I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”