I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“you changed” bro i was 15
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.