i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“Huge”.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you