[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.